Hellbrand Manifesto

For Immediate Release

Hellbrand is molding the message. Hellbrand is framing the discussion. Hellbrand is steering the conversation. Hellbrand is winning friends and influencing people.* Hellbrand is building consensus. Hellbrand is bridging the credibility gap. Hellbrand is hiking the Appalachian Trail.* Hellbrand is not available for comment. Hellbrand is taking the high road. Hellbrand lost sight of what’s important. Hellbrand apologizes if you were offended by its comments. Hellbrand is sorry you feel that way. Hellbrand has overlooked your demographic. Hellbrand will turn its favor towards you again. Hellbrand will reply promptly to your message. Hellbrand will address your concerns. Hellbrand values your time.

Hellbrand will take it under advisement. Hellbrand will provide the support you need. Hellbrand will send you to the Midvale School for the gifted.* Hellbrand will save you from yourself. Hellbrand will end your shame. When you’ve been bad, we’ve got it good.* Hellbrand knows what’s best. The best just got better. It’s not that bad once you get used to it. Hellbrand will make it right. Hellbrand proves that might makes right. That outfit is so wrong. Hellbrand is fashion backward. Hellbrand is a cheap imitation. Hellbrand does not perform to design. Hellbrand is unsafe at any speed.* Hellbrand experienced a thermal event under normal operating conditions.

Hellbrand is high noon, late July, Death Valley. Hellbrand will leave you high and dry. Hellbrand contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not taunt Hellbrand.* Hellbrand is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any disease. Hellbrand causes priapism. Hellbrand is standing at attention. Hellbrand is standing in line. Hellbrand will line them up against the wall. Hellbrand will stand up to scrutiny. Hellbrand was part of an extensive cover-up. Hellbrand is upping the ante. Hellbrand is on the up and up. Hellbrand is on the upswing.

Hellbrand is change we can believe in. Hellbrand changes everything. Hellbrand expects the unexpected. Hellbrand failed to meet analyst expectations. Hellbrand is rebalancing human capital. Hellbrand will be consolidating its domestic operations. Hellbrand is giving you the opportunity to start your new job search immediately. Hellbrand will be stepping down to spend more time with family. Hellbrand is one small step for man.* Hellbrand is man’s work. Hellbrand is woman’s work. Hellbrand is dirty work. Hellbrand is grunt work. Hellbrand is a piece of work. Hellbrand has good fret work. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.* Hellbrand is a hatchet job. Hellbrand is an inside job. Hellbrand is giving you the business. Sorry, Hellbrand is off the clock.

Click below to apply. Click for your free credit score. Click to learn more. Get them to sign on the line which is dotted.* Hellbrand saves you money. Terms and conditions apply. The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away. Step right up.* Hellbrand takes one step forward, two steps back. Hellbrand got lost in the process. Hellbrand is losing its edge.* Hellbrand is paradise lost. Hellbrand has fallen from grace. Hellbrand should be punished. Hellbrand is Jack’s smirking revenge.* Hellbrand needs some get back.* Hellbrand robbed from Peter to bribe Paul. Hellbrand is passing the buck. Hellbrand feels like a hundred dollars.* Hellbrand has unfunded pension liabilities. Hellbrand has a budget shortfall. Hellbrand is red tape. Hellbrand is a red herring. Hellbrand is in the red.

Hellbrand is seeing red. There is no stopping in the red zone.* Hellbrand hath mo’ fury. Hellbrand is an effective stress position. Hellbrand is developing a legal justification for its actions. Hellbrand is encountering pockets of resistance. Hellbrand is looking for people to test hunting products on.* Let us prey. Hellbrand is a shot in the dark. Hellbrand sees things in black and white. Do as Hellbrand says, not as Hellbrand does. Hellbrand is doing everything it can. Hellbrand has a plan to increase total media impressions. Hellbrand appreciates your business. Hellbrand thanks you for your support. Hellbrand is truly humbled whenever its volunteer campaign staff chants its name. Hellbrand has forged man’s destiny of tomorrow. Godspeed the crew of Hellbrand.*


* Contains references to: Dale Carnegie, Mark Sanford, Gary Larson, Mike Sloan, Ralph Nader, Jack Handey, Neil Armstrong, Stanley Kubrick, David Mamet, Tom Waits, James Murphy, Chuck Palahniuk, James Brown, Kenney / Ramis / Doyle-Murray, Abrahams / Zucker / Zucker, North American Hunting Club, Eugene Cernan.